Silent Harmony Soul Searching
Tue, Aug. 6th, 2024 12:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
annartitl;dr I give up. Silent Harmony is as done as it's ever going to be. I finished the first draft and at least made it to chapter 20 of the rewrite of Rust, which was categorically the worst bit of the whole story, so I'll just have to be happy enough with that. I'm not, but I'm done. I'm so fucking done.
I started getting into it back in May but it's been on my mind for most of this year. This is not a snap decision but one that's been a long time coming.
Why do people write? Because they have a story to tell. My story began as a 17-year-old and the world, the characters, the story has developed over my life since then, over 21 years at this point. I've loved telling the story this whole time, from back in the days of 15-minute-fics and such which admittedly got in the way of writing Silent Harmony itself, to all the more substantial shorts, my first failed NaNo attempt, which I finally finished like a decade later, two more successful NaNos and another failed--failed only because my girls called louder.
I've poured everything I have into Tsyllaes. All my creativity, love, thought and free time has gone into building this world. Raykin has gone from fantasy ancient Egypt knockoff with some Aussie elements, to well and truly its own kingdom with its own character distinct from everything, but so solidly rooted in the Australian desert. Llayad's gone from a mishmash of everything European from the middle ages through to 1900 to having their own, solid voice, the kingdom where anyone can do anything. Tsayth, in just the last few years, has gone from the boring, nothing kingdom to being probably the most unique of all my kingdoms.
I've learned about Australian native foods and incorporated them into Tsyllaes cuisine while also using it as inspiration to fill in the gaps where I need to. I've planted them in my garden (rivermint is the best), foraged them from the beach, bought them online when I can't do either and cooked with them so I know what I'm talking about when I write. I've learned about metallurgy so I could place Tsyllaes in a time and make it feel more solid. I've learned about natural textiles and alternatives Tsyllaes could have in the absence of silk worms and cotton plants, and in doing so discovered and adapted spider silk to my world, because what could be more Aussie than using spiders to make your expensive clothes?
Everything I am creatively is in Silent Harmony.
Nobody has read a single word of it since September 2021. I've written ten chapters since then.
I cannot begin to put into words just how much that hurts. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. Not a single human, in almost three years, has read a word of this thing I put all my creative love into. SH is me, it has been since I was 17, and nobody cares to even give it a glance.
I made that plea in May, going on two months ago now, literally fucking begging for someone to see me, to make me not feel like I'm just throwing all my passion into the void. Nobody cares.
I've spent the better part of three years being understanding, but I am so fucking hurt now that I just can't be anymore. I can't be understanding, and I can't be hurt.
I just finished writing a little vignette of two characters from the NaNo I plan on writing this year. The initial purpose was just to get to know one of the two characters in particular, but it was also a little bit of a break from SH. I opened the SH Word doc yesterday to get back to it and was just hit with a wave of why? Why keep pouring myself into something nobody’s reading? Why keep hurting myself with hope? Why write when, in the back of my mind, there’ll always be the nagging knowledge that nobody’s going to read it? Why agonise over whether a paragraph feels clunky, or which scenes should be cut and which are necessary, or if that speech sounds like Nol when nobody cares? I thought before, just the act of writing was still fun, I have unfinished business, I can still get it published… but it’s not enjoyable when I’m just throwing my words into a void. Who fills an art gallery they know not a single human will walk into? Who performs a concerto or an entire play without a single soul in their empty auditorium? Who writes hundreds of thousands of words of fiction they know nobody will ever read?
I love Tsyllaes so much. I’ve poured so much of myself into it over the past two decades to make it more real, more unique, more believable, more readable… for nothing. I have the story in my head. The story’s finished up there, the twists and relationships all played out. What do I gain by writing it all out, except pain when nobody reads it? Better to just leave it in my head were I can’t be hurt by its lack of an audience.
I have two basically completed chapters still in the Word doc. 19’s edited and just requires a last read-through with the distance of having written 20, plus some extra bits of fire in the palace gardens after having been to see the Fire Gardens at Illuminate Adelaide yesterday. 20 I managed to finish yesterday, but it’s as yet unedited. And that’s it. That’s where I’m leaving this thing I’ve loved and created since I was 17, because nobody else does. It hurts, oh god does it hurt, but this will be a hurt that’ll sting now and fade over time. If I were to just keep writing, it’d be a constant pain I’m only ever adding to. Better to rip off the band-aid and give it some air than let it fester and grow active resentment towards the people I love.
I’ll make a last ditch effort to find some new readers, somehow, though I have no idea where, in truth. Start with Tumblr, which responds better to pictures than words, so I’ll try making some ‘look at my cool world!’ art posts of Raykin, Kazin, Llayad and Tsayth. I got a few new followers from the creatures earlier this year, so who knows, could work out for me. Maybe go back to my roots and write some fanfic? Idk, not sure I can be bothered with that. My world is Tsyllaes. If none of that works, though, then SH is dead.
I write to give people joy. I write to make people feel things, so they can escape into my world, find someone they love, maybe someone to hate. I write for people I love to read. I write for other people. I don’t write for me. I write for you, specifically. Sure, publishing was once the ultimate goal but, If you won’t read it, then there’s no point to me writing it.
Will I even participate in NaNoWriMo this year as planned? Honestly I don’t know. I’m extremely down right now and can’t honestly see that changing before November, but… that cynical optimist in me will still keep hoping. Not that this is a cry for help anymore—I did that in May and got crickets—but hey, maybe someone’ll read it that way and throw me a life saver.
I started getting into it back in May but it's been on my mind for most of this year. This is not a snap decision but one that's been a long time coming.
Why do people write? Because they have a story to tell. My story began as a 17-year-old and the world, the characters, the story has developed over my life since then, over 21 years at this point. I've loved telling the story this whole time, from back in the days of 15-minute-fics and such which admittedly got in the way of writing Silent Harmony itself, to all the more substantial shorts, my first failed NaNo attempt, which I finally finished like a decade later, two more successful NaNos and another failed--failed only because my girls called louder.
I've poured everything I have into Tsyllaes. All my creativity, love, thought and free time has gone into building this world. Raykin has gone from fantasy ancient Egypt knockoff with some Aussie elements, to well and truly its own kingdom with its own character distinct from everything, but so solidly rooted in the Australian desert. Llayad's gone from a mishmash of everything European from the middle ages through to 1900 to having their own, solid voice, the kingdom where anyone can do anything. Tsayth, in just the last few years, has gone from the boring, nothing kingdom to being probably the most unique of all my kingdoms.
I've learned about Australian native foods and incorporated them into Tsyllaes cuisine while also using it as inspiration to fill in the gaps where I need to. I've planted them in my garden (rivermint is the best), foraged them from the beach, bought them online when I can't do either and cooked with them so I know what I'm talking about when I write. I've learned about metallurgy so I could place Tsyllaes in a time and make it feel more solid. I've learned about natural textiles and alternatives Tsyllaes could have in the absence of silk worms and cotton plants, and in doing so discovered and adapted spider silk to my world, because what could be more Aussie than using spiders to make your expensive clothes?
Everything I am creatively is in Silent Harmony.
Nobody has read a single word of it since September 2021. I've written ten chapters since then.
I cannot begin to put into words just how much that hurts. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. Not a single human, in almost three years, has read a word of this thing I put all my creative love into. SH is me, it has been since I was 17, and nobody cares to even give it a glance.
I made that plea in May, going on two months ago now, literally fucking begging for someone to see me, to make me not feel like I'm just throwing all my passion into the void. Nobody cares.
I've spent the better part of three years being understanding, but I am so fucking hurt now that I just can't be anymore. I can't be understanding, and I can't be hurt.
I just finished writing a little vignette of two characters from the NaNo I plan on writing this year. The initial purpose was just to get to know one of the two characters in particular, but it was also a little bit of a break from SH. I opened the SH Word doc yesterday to get back to it and was just hit with a wave of why? Why keep pouring myself into something nobody’s reading? Why keep hurting myself with hope? Why write when, in the back of my mind, there’ll always be the nagging knowledge that nobody’s going to read it? Why agonise over whether a paragraph feels clunky, or which scenes should be cut and which are necessary, or if that speech sounds like Nol when nobody cares? I thought before, just the act of writing was still fun, I have unfinished business, I can still get it published… but it’s not enjoyable when I’m just throwing my words into a void. Who fills an art gallery they know not a single human will walk into? Who performs a concerto or an entire play without a single soul in their empty auditorium? Who writes hundreds of thousands of words of fiction they know nobody will ever read?
I love Tsyllaes so much. I’ve poured so much of myself into it over the past two decades to make it more real, more unique, more believable, more readable… for nothing. I have the story in my head. The story’s finished up there, the twists and relationships all played out. What do I gain by writing it all out, except pain when nobody reads it? Better to just leave it in my head were I can’t be hurt by its lack of an audience.
I have two basically completed chapters still in the Word doc. 19’s edited and just requires a last read-through with the distance of having written 20, plus some extra bits of fire in the palace gardens after having been to see the Fire Gardens at Illuminate Adelaide yesterday. 20 I managed to finish yesterday, but it’s as yet unedited. And that’s it. That’s where I’m leaving this thing I’ve loved and created since I was 17, because nobody else does. It hurts, oh god does it hurt, but this will be a hurt that’ll sting now and fade over time. If I were to just keep writing, it’d be a constant pain I’m only ever adding to. Better to rip off the band-aid and give it some air than let it fester and grow active resentment towards the people I love.
I’ll make a last ditch effort to find some new readers, somehow, though I have no idea where, in truth. Start with Tumblr, which responds better to pictures than words, so I’ll try making some ‘look at my cool world!’ art posts of Raykin, Kazin, Llayad and Tsayth. I got a few new followers from the creatures earlier this year, so who knows, could work out for me. Maybe go back to my roots and write some fanfic? Idk, not sure I can be bothered with that. My world is Tsyllaes. If none of that works, though, then SH is dead.
I write to give people joy. I write to make people feel things, so they can escape into my world, find someone they love, maybe someone to hate. I write for people I love to read. I write for other people. I don’t write for me. I write for you, specifically. Sure, publishing was once the ultimate goal but, If you won’t read it, then there’s no point to me writing it.
Will I even participate in NaNoWriMo this year as planned? Honestly I don’t know. I’m extremely down right now and can’t honestly see that changing before November, but… that cynical optimist in me will still keep hoping. Not that this is a cry for help anymore—I did that in May and got crickets—but hey, maybe someone’ll read it that way and throw me a life saver.